Confessions of the chronically single: Part I

Over the past couple of years, I've been doing a lot of thinking about life and relationships in the hopes of figuring some things out. I'm (cough) 30 years old now and the only "long-term" relationship that I've been in was way more off than on and very dysfunctional. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, you'll understand why I put that in quotes. Other than that, there have been practically decade-long crushes in junior high/high school, failed attempts at dating in college, a five year drought of NOTHING and, most recently, four dates over the past year with three guys...none of which went very far. Obviously. I either immediately find something wrong with the guy and then it has no chance or I start thinking too far into the future and freak myself out. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I've gotten really comfortable with my life the way that it is and cannot fathom how a guy would fit into it. Which, obviously, is a big problem. I mean really...I watch A LOT of TV, I pee with the door open and often eat popcorn for dinner. And lunch. I'm generally a good person, but I have my moments. I'm very independent...the thought of having to consider someone else in my decisions is...what's the word? Distressing. I'm self-involved and vain. My mood swings are becoming somewhat legen-wait for it-dary. I have a hard time letting people in. This includes friends and family. I like to keep people at a distance. I don't really know why...it's probably some kind of chemical imbalance or something. Maybe I have mild Asperger's. Or something. I don't know...I don't think that I'm completely socially awkward, but I'm definitely not graceful. I don't do small talk very well, even with my friends. I often come off snobby, disinterested or bored when in actuality I'm just really uncomfortable. So dating someone that I don't already know is really hard for me. I got myself so worked up with the last guy that I thought I might puke or something. I felt like I was going to an interview and as much as I rationally knew that it was fine and not a big deal, my irrational brain won out and I ended up being really weird. Not that I'm not weird...because I am. Just really weird and not myself. What it boils down to is that I'm honestly just not sure if I even want to be in a relationship. Most of the time I'm totally okay with being single. Most of the time. The other times...I'm not sure what it is that I feel like I'm missing. I think that I don't know what that is because I've never really had whatever it is in the first place. Ugh. Whatever. I'm at a loss. I throw my hands up in defeat.