Baby steps

All is well with the musician. According to multiple sources, my neurotic break wasn't as bad as I thought. And I attempted to explain myself to him and found that he, after only being around me 4 times, has already figured out that I make myself nuts by over-thinking things and that I'm not actually crazy. He's very cool. I wish I was that cool. I used to be, or I am...sort of. At least in other areas of my life. Just not with him. The only thing I can say is that I've been honest with him about my feelings instead of 1) Pretending that it didn't happen, or 2) Running away. I look at this as real progress. Baby steps. Past me would have thrown in the towel already. I will not give up this time. I'm sort of talking to myself here...fyi. I'm really going to make an effort not to sabotage things before they get anywhere real. I will try very hard to let him in. Let my guard down...take down my walls. Well, maybe not all of them. The thought of this freaks me out a bit...and I'm not even sure if I can actually do it. But I will try.

On another note: I bit my cheek this morning and now I keep biting it. It sucks. And I had to turn on my heat today. Boo. Hiss. At least I waited until October (barely). I had no choice, it was 64 in my house when I woke up this morning and when I got home from work it was 63. Unacceptable. So...luckily my furnace started and I made it through the funk that emanates from my vents when it turns on for the first time. It's like stale dust mixed with moldy basement. Disgustingly stifling. I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. But that part is over and I'm really just feeling blessed that I don't need to shell out a grand to get a new furnace since mine is from the 60's or maybe even the 50's. It's inefficient and really doesn't have a place to put a filter, but it heats the house up in mere minutes...it'll do. I'm warm and that's all that matters.

Unstable, nervous, anxious...

Neurotic is defined, as a noun, as 'a person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset' or 'a person afflicted with a neurosis or tending to be emotionally unstable'. This has apparently become a good way to decribe me as a person. I've become a neurotic crazy person. I can only hope that I did not completely scare off the musician (aka my date). I've got my fingers crossed. I'm not going to go into any great detail because I really don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that I let the crazy out and I was hoping to keep it under wraps longer than this. Seriously...I may need to be medicated.